The Doorman

So I live in a "doorman" building. Which in effect means a person who opens the door when you come in or out. Luckily, I just have a regular door. In buildings with revolving doors, the "doorman" spins you around in there. Almost like one of those playground rides. But apparently my "doorman" didn't get the proper job description. When I come home and he is resting in his chair, text messaging he seems like I may have disturbed his conversation. He quickly tries to get up and act like he didn't see me but he is no match for my stealth and I am already at the mailbox. Game over I win. Since I live in a "doorman" building, I sought out why we have a chair in the lobby. Well, where do you want the "doorman" to sit I was asked. No where, I replied I want him to stand - he is the "doorman" not the "chairman" obviously a position he would prefer!

Dear Darwin...

Listen Charlie we need to talk - intellect to intellect. What's that crap you wrote about in 1869? Survival of the Fittest? Was that a typo? Did you mean to say "survival of the fattest"? By now I thought there would be a genius population of super hero's running the planet but no when I looked around the subway this morning it was a scene right out of the biggest loser.

Please stay home...

Anytime something of great negative magnitude happens in NYC, Mayor Moneybags advises his citizens to "see a show"! Somehow Broadway will make you forget there is 2 feet of snow outside your door, cars and buses can't get down streets and train tracks are frozen but some way you'll make it to the great white way. Now I'm advising people to stay home. Not just when the world around you is falling down but on a regular basis. You see other people also paid a lot for those tickets and they want to enjoy the show. Yes I am speaking to you Sir - the man who when seated in front of me recently at a play, would ask what did they say after every line. Now maybe the poor soul wasn't actually being rude, maybe his date was an understudy and they were just running lines. But somehow I think not. Or the other night at Lincoln Center when we had to constantly check our phone - seriously dude are you a doctor on call because what else could be so important. I'm assuming that was your significant other seated next to you because you two whispered sweet nothings the entire time. Don't we owe it to the performers to show up and pay attention.

Free Psychic Reading

Calm down, I'm not offering one! I just saw an ad on a major search engine to call for one. Which makes me wonder how many "psychics" are running around out there anyhow? No, I don't mean your John Edward or Brian Weiss type. It's the Madame Cleo type that scare me. I mean seriously, if there are enough "psychics" to man all these phone banks so you can find out if "the one" is on their way to you or if money is coming your way, shouldn't they be combining their power for a greater good? Not that there is anything more important than your love life or your odds of hitting mega millions. But rub that crystal ball again and let me know if you can see the cure to cancer or world peace - ooopps reply is hazy try again.

Holiday Cheer

Well, today is January 6 which officially marks the end of the holiday season for many. Supposedly, its the day the three wise men saw the baby Jesus. And as I sit here pondering a question that has been asked for centuries, I hope to out wit prior generations. How the heck am I going to get motivated enough to take this darn tree down. Seriously, I think I've totally outsmarted my ancestors. Why not host a tree untrimming party? Trimming the tree that's fun and easy, it's the boring, laborious part I need help with. Also, after the holidays everyone is dieting - think of all the money I can save on food a booze! A few celery sticks and some seltzer should please the invitees!

Parental Advice As Heard On The Radio

Recently, on some long drive I was listening to a local all news station when they offered a solution to parents on setting boundaries. Since we're all friends here I'll pass on the nugget of wisdom. At dinner decide how many chapters of a story you will read at bedtime and when bedtime comes stick to that limit. Advise the child that you had both made the decision at dinner if they ask you to read an additional chapter. Do parents even read their children bedtime stories anymore? Every kid I know has their own multi-media center inside their bedroom, I'm not sure asking for an extra chapter of a story is a parents biggest problem in 2010. It might actually be figuring out what camping gear they should take to the Apple store or Best Buy so they can await the arrival of the latest gadget for their child.

You start to live when you learn to drive!

Maybe some of you remember the commercial where this little song was sung about how your life became more exciting when you learned to drive. Well, since you've learned to drive mine has also but not in a good way. I have been driving for awhile and I can honestly say I'm pretty good at it. Frankly, it may be my greatest asset. If there was an award for parallel parking I have no doubt my trophy case would be overflowing with the yearly prize. Which is not my opinion. Case in point I once went to a friend's in Brooklyn and when I left my friend commented on the 2 jerks who "boxed" me in. They didn't box me in I replied, I parked there! Based on that and the fact that I took driver's ed in Manhattan I'm a self-qualified expert on others skills. The easiest way to solve the issue of bad drivers is to sell cars based on road test scores. You got a 65 welcome to world of sub-compact cars, at 75 you can upgrade to a compact and so on. This would increase our fuel efficiency, cause minimal accident damage and decrease my blood pressure. Think about it, it might work!