You Must Be This Wide To Ride

As a small child in an amusement park, you match your height against that of the sign next to a ride to see if you qualify. As an adult we also come up against the size barrier. When we were children we fooled ourselves to think we could qualify by standing up straight or on our tippy toes and hope the teen operating the ride overlooked this slight exaggeration. Pushing the envelope as an adult is a bit more difficult. We fool ourselves into thinking that we can squeeze our morbidly obese figure into subway seats designed for people half our size, hoping the person next to us doesn't realize.

Impulse Conversing

Sure I'm wise to the tricks of stores where they place items near the check out so while you are waiting on line all of a sudden you need a bunch of candy bars and a gossip magazine. What I have yet to figure out is why when I'm waiting on line strangers strike up a conversation, one you usually want no part of.  Today I ordered cannolis at the bakery. This immediately set off a red flag to the woman on line ahead of me. Cannolis? They sell cannolis here? Well, I'm Italian and I wouldn't buy cannolis here, if I want cannolis I go to Brooklyn. Wait I'm trying to remember if I asked her ethnic origin. Did I ask where she buys cannolis? No frankly I wasn't even thinking "I wonder if the lady in front of me is Italian and where does she buy cannolis"? Honestly, I was thinking I wish the counter help would hurry up and get my cannolis so I could be on my way. So nosy lady I hope you are reading my blog because I bought the cannolis and they were delicious!!!!!! Oh and by the way I'm Italian!

Searching For My Sole Mate

Tonight I was pondering one of humanities biggest mysteries. No not who built the pyramids, how did the Universe begin, what causes the Bermuda Triangle or where is Atlantis. What I'm speaking of began in the 8th Century BC and is still as enigma in 2010. The ultimate question with out answer is "Where has my other sock gone?" Apparently, I'm not the only one pondering this issue with such resolve. The army started a Bureau of Missing Socks in 1861 and 149 years later they are still in existence. Sure I can figure out whodunit long before the show ends but could an amateur like myself solve a mystery that has perplexed the greatest military strategist for so long? What could I do buy my own blood hound? Place a tracking device in each sock? Pray to Saint Anthony? Have my own show...The Laundry's Most Wanted? Of course the most efficient way not to lose a sock is probably not to wear them in the first place.

Borders on Insanity

Well, the secret is out! Today I realized why book stores are losing money and on-line sales are booming. Sure I wanted to purchase some books but the insanity that was around me was overwhelming and it was fight or flight, so I left.  One aisle had three teenagers lying in it, sure I wanted to look at the books there but who wants to tell three surly teens to vacate. When I went to go see another section I ran into some kids playing hide and seek, which was only compounded by a new game which I named "Scream As Loud As You Can".  I didn't see the rule book but I think the point of "SALAYC" was to try and hit a note that would break aglass.  And let me tell you these kids were darn good at it, I'm thinking they might have been first round draft choices. Of course the funniest moment came when I walked down one row of books and saw these two teens expressing their feelings for each other. They both had a look of shock on their faces like I walked into their living room. As I headed towards the door, I saw an employee breaking up a group of teens choreographing a scene from Glee. I remarked to him that the store was bedlam, he agreed and told me it stops a lot of people from purchasing. I agreed and left empty handed.

Wash With Like Colors

Most of the time I make rational decisions. Except for some reason when I was in a rush for a table cloth I picked up something that I totally regretted after I used it. Sure it looked nice and summery but after use it required laundering and I was in trouble. Yes, I did actually read the directions which stated "wash with like colors". Now that seems to be a problem. Where can I get colors that are "like" that? At first I was perplexed but then I thought about it and came up with several solutions! Wait until the circus came to town and offer to wash the clown costumes - see if the Houston Astro's want to reactivate their uniforms from 1974, you remember them sort of looked like a solar flare landed on the player's chests - see if there is a Jackson Pollack protege who needs free laundry services. Of course my most feasible option is spend $1.75 and wash it alone.

Resumes

We all know that people sometimes enhance the truth. I just read some figures stating up to 50% of people lie on their resumes. These include overstating skills, extending length of employment, falsifying degrees, exaggerating achievement's, increasing former salaries, inflating titles, enhancing foreign language skills, fake addresses, amplifying GPA and more.
Probably if you are applying for a paper pusher it is not a big deal. I'm not advocating lying, just stating more or less no one will be harmed.
Not so much if you are one of the 200 Chinese pilots who faked their flying experience. It's one thing saying you are an expert when you are only a novice on say computer software, it's another to add flying time that does not "accord with reality". That's just plain scary. Seems like they resolved the issue by sending them back up for more flying time. Sure they just announced this discovery but it happened in 2008 so more then likely, I guess we are safe.

The Letters

Tonight I came home to an envelope from Consolidated Edison (NYC's electricity supplier). Finally, I thought...here is the rebate check I have been waiting for since July, September is nearly over. Excitedly, I open the envelope to find a letter. Oh great what did I forget to enclose in their million requirements for my lousy $60.00 rebate. Did I miss the deadline? No it was even more simple. The letter stated that I would receive my rebate in 6 to 8 weeks. Um yeah that's what it said on the rebate form. So they sent me a letter to tell me that the check would be in the mail. AWESOME! Next time just stick that check in the darn envelope and save yourself some postage.
Even better was the second letter I received from my car manufacturer. It came in one of those white envelopes with the big red letters stamped across it "IMPORTANT SAFETY RECALL".  Not that alarming just a recall on the possibility of your steering failing. Like Con Ed, Mazda was a bit short on helping me out. Yes there is an issue with your steering, yes Mazda will replace it at no cost to you, oops did we mention we do not have the parts to fix it - when we get them we will let you know.
Thank you Con Ed and Mazda you make my blogging so easy!