Resumes

We all know that people sometimes enhance the truth. I just read some figures stating up to 50% of people lie on their resumes. These include overstating skills, extending length of employment, falsifying degrees, exaggerating achievement's, increasing former salaries, inflating titles, enhancing foreign language skills, fake addresses, amplifying GPA and more.
Probably if you are applying for a paper pusher it is not a big deal. I'm not advocating lying, just stating more or less no one will be harmed.
Not so much if you are one of the 200 Chinese pilots who faked their flying experience. It's one thing saying you are an expert when you are only a novice on say computer software, it's another to add flying time that does not "accord with reality". That's just plain scary. Seems like they resolved the issue by sending them back up for more flying time. Sure they just announced this discovery but it happened in 2008 so more then likely, I guess we are safe.

The Letters

Tonight I came home to an envelope from Consolidated Edison (NYC's electricity supplier). Finally, I thought...here is the rebate check I have been waiting for since July, September is nearly over. Excitedly, I open the envelope to find a letter. Oh great what did I forget to enclose in their million requirements for my lousy $60.00 rebate. Did I miss the deadline? No it was even more simple. The letter stated that I would receive my rebate in 6 to 8 weeks. Um yeah that's what it said on the rebate form. So they sent me a letter to tell me that the check would be in the mail. AWESOME! Next time just stick that check in the darn envelope and save yourself some postage.
Even better was the second letter I received from my car manufacturer. It came in one of those white envelopes with the big red letters stamped across it "IMPORTANT SAFETY RECALL".  Not that alarming just a recall on the possibility of your steering failing. Like Con Ed, Mazda was a bit short on helping me out. Yes there is an issue with your steering, yes Mazda will replace it at no cost to you, oops did we mention we do not have the parts to fix it - when we get them we will let you know.
Thank you Con Ed and Mazda you make my blogging so easy!

Things Parents Say

Some of the things I've heard parents tell children shock me. Today I was leaving my building when I opened the door and found a small family entering the building. As I held the door the child toddled in with the mother pushing the stroller behind her. The mother turned to the child and said "look honey a magic door that opened automatically". Apparently, I'm a 180 pound door stopper. I'm totally confused when  I hear a parent tell their misbehaving child to stop because the sales clerk or police officer will yell at them. Isn't it the parents job to correct a child's inappropriate behavior? Although we have outsourced so many jobs maybe I missed the memo that listed parenting also. Didn't we use to tell children if they are lost to go to a sales clerk or police officer? Another perplexing saying is "don't give that to Junior he doesn't eat blah blah blah". It's not like I'm trying to feed the kid foie gras, heck Junior I'm with you on that one all the way. It's been things like chicken or most recently steak. Luckily, for some reason Junior always takes the bait from me and do you know what happens he always loves it! Maybe you don't like a grass fed rib eye I spent the whole day marinating but Junior, he has good taste!

Make Yourself Comfortable

After much thought, I may have been born after my time. For many years I have claimed to be my grandparents child but maybe I'm more their sibling. Sorry folks but all that familiarity is it's not for me. Sure it's great that you compensate for lost free time by using your morning commute to give yourself a pedicure but seriously, save clipping your toe nails and creaming your tootsies for home. Clipping your fingernails in public is repulsive enough, clipping your toe nails crosses a whole new line! Another familiarity pet peeve I suffer from is adults wearing pajamas in public. When did this become acceptable and were was I? I have seen adults dressed in their bedroom garb every where from high school games to Sunday morning shopping. Aren't teenagers already embarrassed enough by the fact that they have parents and then you show up at their game cheering for junior in your Dr. Dentons?

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...I DO

I love Cole Porter but maybe he had it all wrong. Mr. Porter penned Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, except his response was I Don't. Then again, he never met Cynthia Kelley aka Juror Number Five. Actually, it didn't ring any bells in my head either until I read further. She is engaged to marry Rodney King and the juror who pushed for him to be awarded $3.8 million in his civil case against the city of Los Angeles. The day after the trial the couple had their first date. Sure there was a minor hitch, they were both married to other people. Apparently, they have both relieved themselves of their previous obligations and are now engaged to be married. He states she is a godsend, another word that starts with g comes to my mind. I would just be leery if the person who helped me win a few million decided they wanted to date me the day after I received the money but maybe it's true love, who am I to judge.

Poor baby...

Wow I just read a tragic story about a little girl who always wanted to become a ballerina, her mother left her with a nanny while she lived the dream the girl envisioned in her own future.  Unfortunately, this poor child grew up into a statuesque woman which ruined her dream to be a prima ballerina. She suffered through a life of rage which she attributed to her failed dream. Poor Naomi Campbell it must be so hard to have all your hopes and dreams crushed and just have to live your life as a top fashion model.  All I have to say is THANK GOD FOR OPRAH! She actually made Naomi ballerina for the day with the Bolshoi ballet! Now maybe all the little people will be spared her wrath or maybe it will fuel her rage and more domestic staff will be scared with Swarovski crystal cell phones.

Hug-A-Gram

Today I went to a fair at the park. They were selling all sorts of things from the totally practical, Tupperware, to the totally bizarre,  Hug-A-Gram. Yes, for the mere price of twenty dollars you could purchase a pair of severed arms to wrap around yourself when you are feeling down. But what really made them alluring is the hands were identical to Mickey Mouse's and who do you know that didn't feel better after a day at Disney? Yes, no one that's probably the point! Next year I'm getting a stand at the fair and offering real hugs, I'll undercut them maybe only charge $5.00. It just seems sort of creepy to wrap a pair of dismembered Mickey Mouse arms around yourself.

Celebrity Excuses

Poor Paris Hilton, pulled over by police because they smelled marijuana smoke "wafting" from her car. Once stopped,  they also found cocaine in her handbag, first off she said she thought it was chewing gum and then confessed that the hand bag wasn't hers because well in her words "it's to cheap".  In the interest of assisting Ms. Hilton's defense team, I did some research myself on the probability of confusing the two. As a crack investigator I plugged into Google "Does chewing gum come in powder form?" Well, lo and behold the second hit was cocaine from Wikipedia! Apparently, the indigenous people of South America have been chewing the leaves of the coca plant for over a thousand years so to me it's crystal clear how she could be confused. Next I'm working to help strengthen Linsday Lohan's case when she stated the pants she was wearing weren't hers or probably my toughest case Tom Sizemore who claimed the Calvin undies he had on weren't his because he's a Hilfiger man. I have to admit more then once I've accidentally worn my clothes inside out or even backwards, but luckily I've never had the misfortune of running around town in some one else's undergarments.