Hug-A-Gram

Today I went to a fair at the park. They were selling all sorts of things from the totally practical, Tupperware, to the totally bizarre,  Hug-A-Gram. Yes, for the mere price of twenty dollars you could purchase a pair of severed arms to wrap around yourself when you are feeling down. But what really made them alluring is the hands were identical to Mickey Mouse's and who do you know that didn't feel better after a day at Disney? Yes, no one that's probably the point! Next year I'm getting a stand at the fair and offering real hugs, I'll undercut them maybe only charge $5.00. It just seems sort of creepy to wrap a pair of dismembered Mickey Mouse arms around yourself.

Celebrity Excuses

Poor Paris Hilton, pulled over by police because they smelled marijuana smoke "wafting" from her car. Once stopped,  they also found cocaine in her handbag, first off she said she thought it was chewing gum and then confessed that the hand bag wasn't hers because well in her words "it's to cheap".  In the interest of assisting Ms. Hilton's defense team, I did some research myself on the probability of confusing the two. As a crack investigator I plugged into Google "Does chewing gum come in powder form?" Well, lo and behold the second hit was cocaine from Wikipedia! Apparently, the indigenous people of South America have been chewing the leaves of the coca plant for over a thousand years so to me it's crystal clear how she could be confused. Next I'm working to help strengthen Linsday Lohan's case when she stated the pants she was wearing weren't hers or probably my toughest case Tom Sizemore who claimed the Calvin undies he had on weren't his because he's a Hilfiger man. I have to admit more then once I've accidentally worn my clothes inside out or even backwards, but luckily I've never had the misfortune of running around town in some one else's undergarments.

You Look HOT!

Seriously, all you fashionista's out there this Summer look HOT. And by HOT I mean you may want to duck into the nearest H & M or Hollister ASAP, and catch some of that free AC they have been pumping into the street illegally. I'm sitting here just wondering when boots became so fashionable to wear in Summer. OK even if they are extremely fashionable to wear all year round one might think they are also extremely hot. Those ankle boots are one thing but Uggs and Doc Martens, just the thought of wearing them even in winter makes me sweat. And to the person who posted on the message board...Would it look dumb wearing boots in Summer? Let me sum the answer up for you...YES!

Section 24-221(a)

Although it's far from top secret or classified, I'm sure most people are unaware of a law in NYC that carries a $350.00 fine and bans horn honking except in cases of "imminent danger", which is defined as "an immediate threat of harm". With that we can probably rule that if a car is headed towards you on a one way street it may be an appropriate time to make use of your claxon. However, in a situation where the traffic had ground to a screeching halt because its rush hour and your type A personality is on the verge of a heart attack, well that does not constitute an emergency except in your own mind.

neither by snow nor rain nor heat....

This morning I needed to mail something so I decided to take a walk to the post office. Sure there is a mail box on every corner as well as in my lobby but it's a movie from Net Flix and I want to get my monies worth. Along the way I meet my neighbor and it became a journey, with a coffee break on the way. We stood outside the post office talking, when suddenly we heard the most alarmingly repetitive, slamming noise. An elderly man had double parked, to place a letter in the mail box, securing its journey by vigorously opening and closing the door. My neighbor thought I was a little overzealous about walking to the post office but we looked at each other and both declared his intensity for safe passage of his letter bordered on madness.

Wet Cement

Living in NYC there are plenty of times I encounter freshly poured cement. It's always roped off, or even guarded to avoid anyone making it less then pristine. Sure it's tempting to maybe place yourself in perpetuity. Honestly, I have never done it myself but often the craving has arisen. So the other day when I saw a man place his boots in a fresh patch, I understood why. Upon closer examination of these "boot prints" I became alarmed. They weren't foot prints in a Grauman's Chinese Theater version,  well they really weren't foot prints at all. They were just two huge smudge prints, which would have given you the same result had you dragged a dirty eraser across a chalk board. Now I was sort of annoyed at him because I understood wanting to get your 15 minutes of fame, but that was more like 15 minutes of blame.

Super Hero Mode

Apparently, I have a skill that only Wonder Woman's plane and Burt Campbell from Soap seem to possess. Yes, I too can become invisible. However, I'm not really sure the plane and Burt really were invisible where I can prove time and time again that I on the other hand am often unseen.
Just this morning I brought my car in for service and was standing there waiting when some one came over and handed the customer behind me a number and me the number after him. Mr. Clean's bigger, buffer brother was in the process of jockeying cars around when he some how saw this (maybe he was in super hero mode), and came over to re-numerate the line. He asked the ticket dispenser why he skipped me. Now the manager came out and became involved and this became so absurd as they were sorting out who was next, I stood on the side and watched.  Mr. Clean seemed to have the answer, he removed the lower number ticket from the other employee's hand and put it on my car. Problem solved. Thanks Mr. Clean you are my HERO!!!