Yes Virginia there is a stalker!

Apparently, stalkers do not discriminate. You think only the rich and famous suffer from the syndrome but no it effects all social classes. I know because I have one. Actually, it isn't my first. Who could blame them? I'm quite charming! I remember the first time the stalker called, it was well past the calling time slot I allocate to strangers. So I answered because to me calling someone at 1030 PM on a school night indicates something's amiss. When I answered I said what's wrong and the stalker said nothing I just called to chat, I thought I immediately learned my lesson! So now every time the stalker calls I sit and watch the phone ring. And every time I run into the stalker on the street I say "can't talk now on y way to the gym". Guess who goes to the gym now? I'll never learn!!!!

Attention NYC Tourists

Well, I've been meaning to have this little discussion with you for some time but haven't had the chance. First, thank you for visiting the greatest city on earth! Seriously I really do appreciate you spending your hard earned money in my city. But now some ground rules. That little parade formation you use when you walk down the street, you know 4 across so no harried NYer on their way can get by - its got to go. NYC has many things, however space is not one of them. So from now on when I see you its single file. Think of it more as a formation a Marine might take on a 20 mile run with a full pack and think of me as your drill sergeant. Oh you don't want to get separated from your group. Sew one of those little tags "if lost please return to" into you clothes. Next, is when you stop and stare at those giant buildings we possess. You stop dead in the middle of the street like a deer in the headlights(you know that look well). I'm walking by and see someone looking up and I think "oh shite we've got a jumper"! Move along little doggy, once again you are obstructing traffic. Also, you seriously should not be riding on the trains. Take a cab. You see every morning you leave your hotel and board my train it doesn't make me happy. You all get on and stand up, then you do a head count (Bobbie Sue are you on? Jimmy Dean hold on) and then while you are all in the process of becoming situated the train lurches forward and you tumble like Jenga. Of course you find this hysterical and laugh like there is no tomorrow - I groan because there is a tomorrow and for me it will be a repeat of today!

The Doorman

So I live in a "doorman" building. Which in effect means a person who opens the door when you come in or out. Luckily, I just have a regular door. In buildings with revolving doors, the "doorman" spins you around in there. Almost like one of those playground rides. But apparently my "doorman" didn't get the proper job description. When I come home and he is resting in his chair, text messaging he seems like I may have disturbed his conversation. He quickly tries to get up and act like he didn't see me but he is no match for my stealth and I am already at the mailbox. Game over I win. Since I live in a "doorman" building, I sought out why we have a chair in the lobby. Well, where do you want the "doorman" to sit I was asked. No where, I replied I want him to stand - he is the "doorman" not the "chairman" obviously a position he would prefer!

Dear Darwin...

Listen Charlie we need to talk - intellect to intellect. What's that crap you wrote about in 1869? Survival of the Fittest? Was that a typo? Did you mean to say "survival of the fattest"? By now I thought there would be a genius population of super hero's running the planet but no when I looked around the subway this morning it was a scene right out of the biggest loser.

Please stay home...

Anytime something of great negative magnitude happens in NYC, Mayor Moneybags advises his citizens to "see a show"! Somehow Broadway will make you forget there is 2 feet of snow outside your door, cars and buses can't get down streets and train tracks are frozen but some way you'll make it to the great white way. Now I'm advising people to stay home. Not just when the world around you is falling down but on a regular basis. You see other people also paid a lot for those tickets and they want to enjoy the show. Yes I am speaking to you Sir - the man who when seated in front of me recently at a play, would ask what did they say after every line. Now maybe the poor soul wasn't actually being rude, maybe his date was an understudy and they were just running lines. But somehow I think not. Or the other night at Lincoln Center when we had to constantly check our phone - seriously dude are you a doctor on call because what else could be so important. I'm assuming that was your significant other seated next to you because you two whispered sweet nothings the entire time. Don't we owe it to the performers to show up and pay attention.

Free Psychic Reading

Calm down, I'm not offering one! I just saw an ad on a major search engine to call for one. Which makes me wonder how many "psychics" are running around out there anyhow? No, I don't mean your John Edward or Brian Weiss type. It's the Madame Cleo type that scare me. I mean seriously, if there are enough "psychics" to man all these phone banks so you can find out if "the one" is on their way to you or if money is coming your way, shouldn't they be combining their power for a greater good? Not that there is anything more important than your love life or your odds of hitting mega millions. But rub that crystal ball again and let me know if you can see the cure to cancer or world peace - ooopps reply is hazy try again.

Holiday Cheer

Well, today is January 6 which officially marks the end of the holiday season for many. Supposedly, its the day the three wise men saw the baby Jesus. And as I sit here pondering a question that has been asked for centuries, I hope to out wit prior generations. How the heck am I going to get motivated enough to take this darn tree down. Seriously, I think I've totally outsmarted my ancestors. Why not host a tree untrimming party? Trimming the tree that's fun and easy, it's the boring, laborious part I need help with. Also, after the holidays everyone is dieting - think of all the money I can save on food a booze! A few celery sticks and some seltzer should please the invitees!