The Doorman

The other night when I came home the doorman said I had a package. Since my arms were already full I told him I would be back for it. As I opened the door to return, he was standing right in front with the box. While he is giving me the box, I can see he is looking around inside my apartment, and then he tells me "Wow your apartment is a mess" so I said "Yeah I'm auditioning for the new A & E show, Hoarders". Granted my apartment was a mess, but I was in the middle of renovating the place and by the way I was not soliciting opinions. Well, the good news is he is busy watching for my episode of Hoarders to run and my place looked great in the end.

Juristan

I have an objection. I object to the ridiculous judicial system that exists in this country. Somehow I managed to be selected for a jury. Yes I know - "You" would have gotten out of it - "You" know what to say to make the attorneys and judge not select "you". Well, I have to be honest with "you". Maybe "you" aren't that smart. Actually, maybe "you" are kinda dumb and that's why "you" weren't picked. Not due to your brilliancy but your stupidity! Maybe they don't want people like "you" on a jury. Did you ever think of it that way?
So for almost 2 months, 12 fellow citizens and myself were forced to sit in a court room and listen to testimony from various professionals and private citizen regarding a frivolous law suit where the plaintiff could not remember one fact of the case. Did you live at 123 Main St? "I can't recall" said the plaintiff stated. Well did you ever live on Main St? Once again the reply was "I can't recall". What was the name of your doctor at this time? "I can't recall" stated the plaintiff. During this time were you married to Mr. Smith? Oh you guessed it...."I can't recall". I'm just curious if you don't know where you live or who you were married to or who your doctor was or any other pertinent fact, how do you recall that grievous injuries were sustained? Oh that's right because grievous injuries are related to oodles of cash and that jogged your memory. And after two months it never went to the jury because they settled. Lucky for the plaintiff because we the jury did not believe the stories we listened to you tell.

United States of Corn Syrup

Usually, I'm diligent and read the ingredients of everything I purchase. Mostly, because I hate sugar in my food. Sure it's awesome in candy but when I'm having a meal the only sugar I want is in my dessert.  Why is corn syrup every where? Dill pickles, dry roasted peanuts, horseradish sauce, stuffing? Check labels, you'll see what I mean. Do they really need them? I mean sweet gherkins OK maybe but "dill" pickles probably not, after all they are supposed to be dill. And please I like my horseradish spicy.  Don't worry, I've outsmarted all those American companies who add it by shopping in the imported foods section who still believe dill pickles should be dill!

Knock Off!

I have an issue with paying excessive prices when you can find the same items for less. Of course some items I'm a stickler for like a particular brand of mayonnaise or cotton swab. So when looking through a local discount store for some no-brand items I came across this hilarious display. So a blade is part of an axe but not a synonym of one, making me think Blade may sort of smell like Axe but not really. Just to confirm my theory, I utilized one of the most famous dictionaries.

Synonyms ax (or axe), discharge, dismissal, furlough, redundancy [chiefly British]

Then for the imitator.

Synonyms cutter, shank [slang], shiv [slang]

Next time you are out check the shelves for Range Top Stuffing, Chop Meat Helper or Chickens Eye Vegetables.

Let's Go To The Videotape!

There use to be all these commercials for RIF ( Reading is Fundamental) the nation's largest children's literacy organization. At this point I'm almost sure that reading a book may go the way of the dinosaur. It seems like there are more and more videos every day and less use for reading. I go to a news web site to read a story and I can't, I have to watch a video. And most annoying is the 30 second advertisement prior to the story I am forced to watch. Eventually, there will be no need to read as we will be able to watch videos of everything. Reading will be another lost skill like the art of writing cursive.

Should I stay or should I go!!!!

The other day I went out to dinner and I have to admit, I had a few adult beverages. It's safe to say I was feeling a bit tipsy. But as you can see from the photo it was still pretty early as it was light out. As we walked to the train my friend and I stopped at the corner to cross and we both looked up and saw this sign. At first we didn't say anything, we both thought we had to much to drink and were seeing things. We stood at the corner and waited. Then I heard other people speaking about the bizarre sign and we both burst out laughing, it was not the beverages after all.