Fruit Scented Bubbles

OK - Please tell me why you would combine the scent of fruit with soap? As far as I know, the majority of bubble users are small children who like to put things in their mouths. Now I do not have any degrees in childrearing but to me this sounds like a particularly dumb idea. But then again, I did find them in the dollar store so maybe there were not a top seller.

Target

Target opens at 8 am which is awesome. But today I decided to be fashionably late, arriving at 9 am. Seriously, who would have thought there would be around 50 cars in the lot. Then it dawned on me, they were all probably driving to Target while I was chatting on Facebook. Once I got into the store I realized the bigger difference between me and many of the pseudo-early risers. The problem - I'm seriously old fashion because I get up, take a shower and put on clothes - these people were still wearing their pajamas. Is there a petition circulating to ban adults from wearing PJ's in public because I want to sign it.

Baby Bird

Tonight while dining out I experienced something usually only seen on National Geographic. A mother bird feeding her baby. Not the feathered kind but a human one. The mother was feeding her child with a straw, not in the normal sense but in the eye dropper to a kitten method. She kept dipping the straw into the unknown beverage and then dropping it into the baby's open mouth. The most amazing part of the whole process was the baby was drinking out of a cup, which really made me wonder why mother bird was nourishing the child in this method.

Shoe Shine

Since times are tough, I decided to start shining my own shoes again.  I sat down at the computer to look for directions. Sure I found the standard shine procedure - remove dirt, apply polish, brush, shine. But how boring is that. Luckily I found a more interesting, economical and greener way. Which involves a banana peel.
1. Peel and eat the banana.
2. Rub the inside of the banana peel all over your shoes.
3. Buff with a cloth to remove stray banana pieces.
I love the earth, but this I'm going to have to pass on.

Saint in A Can

Apparently, you can purchase St. Michael and Our Lady of Guadalupe in a spray can. I'm not entirely sure how they got there in the first place, but the can states it's "100% Genuine". Another fact I'm still pondering is what you are actually supposed to use the spray for. Michael is pictured with Satan who is cowering. Being curious, I opened the top and it smelled pretty bad, which made me rule out that it was air freshener. Maybe Satan is offended by bad odors...who could blame him?

One Kindergarten Special Please!

Right now I'm cringing because looking on-line at the menu of the restaurant I'm having dinner at is scaring me. I'm not daring at all. Bungee jumping, roller coasters, mountain climbing or events of that nature do not appeal to me. My dining requirements are simple if a kindergarten child would not eat it, it's probably not for me. Actually, I sort of haven't read past the halibut cheeks on the appetizer menu because I'm busy googling "halibut cheeks". I didn't even know fish have cheeks. And if they do, how big could they be? Apparently, extremely small because they are expensive. Better load up on peanut butter and jelly before I leave the house.

Best Why?

Finally the TV I purchased was in stock and I went to pick it up. After speaking to the sales associate in the home theater section, he directed me to customer service. I handed the customer service representative my receipt and a wall mount I wanted to purchase. I told her I'm here to pick up the TV and I want to purchase this item. She said why do you want to return it. So figuring she always hears about returns and was in that mode I politely repeated myself. She said ok and I figured we were getting some place. Then she went to the cash register 2 feet away looked at the receipt again and said what are you picking up? I said the television. Sure receipts these days are more confusing then ever, but there was only one item listed! What else could I possibly be picking up! Then she comes back, looks at the TV mount and asks why are you returning this?

Flyer Man

Usually, I feel bad for those people stuck on a street corner handing out flyers. Most times I take pity and accept the the piece of paper which shortly after wards becomes trash. But seriously tonight I had on my best don't come near me face and it totally did not work. Not only did I have my ipod plugged in but I was deeply involved in pseudo texting, which I thought was a good indication I was not interested in an interruption. But "Super Flyerman" was unstoppable. He walked right up to me, shoved the flyer in front of me and preceded to give me the spiel. Luckily, I'm a native NYer and didn't flinch when he invaded my personal space. At the end of his monologue he finally said "I guess you aren't interested" and walked away. Really? What was his first clue?

Made In America

Seriously, I consider myself an intelligent individual and I am well aware that the manufacturing industry in America is on life support. But today the plug was pulled. There was an item in the store by the brand name "American Mills" however, when you read the fine print it said "Made In China". Things like that should be illegal. That's like eating at a place called Tony's Italian Pizza that doesn't employ one Italian.  I mean at the very least, that must be false advertising.

Area Code

Some days calling customer service is infuriating. Today after being on hold for what seemed like forever, I was finally told all the sales people I needed to speak to were on the phone with "other customers". It's days like that when I'm so jealous of "the other customer". So she offered to take my number and have one call me back when they were available. OK - I reluctantly agree and then give her my number 718-555-1234. At which point she says 718 that sounds familiar did you call before? Yeah it's called an area code and there are only 7,999,999 more people with a "similar" number.
 

Step Away From The Cell Phone

Why is everyone so attached to their cell phone? They are the security blankets of the 21st Century. Do we really need a law against texting while driving? How about plain old common sense instead? As long as we are passing these laws I'm advocating for  "No hand held devices while assisting the elderly".  Some poor old man with a walker was beating a path through NYC tourist traffic while his home health aid nonchalantly held on to his belt loop as she chatted away. At least Linus would have used his security blanket to beat a path through those tourists!

Traffic Circle

After being trapped in a traffic circle with a clueless mini van driver, I have come to the conclusion we need to re-evaluate the licensing process. Only people who receive an "A" on the driver's exam would be allowed to drive a large vehicle, "B" would relegate you to a mid size car, "C" would place you in the compact category, "D" downgrades you to a bicycle and "F" well as they say "Feet Don't Fail Me Now".

When I Grow Up I Want To Be...

When kids are little they dream of growing up to become athletes, medical professionals, attorneys, astronauts and more. Unfortunately, one woman in England grew up and wants to become Jessica Rabbit. No really I'm not even kidding, she carries a rabbit with her every where she goes, is on a special "rabbit" diet of salads and grains, and just to make the story more interesting she had $16,000.00 worth of cosmetic surgery to enhance her looks. Her family thinks" she's a little crazy" but she claims to be a "normal person." Please doctors lets draw the line on performing cosmetic surgery on people who want to look like Babar or Bullwinkle.

Bed Bath and Way Beyond

Never get in line behind a parent and their three adult children. I made that mistake recently. Once there is an error at the register you now have to wait for the cashier to hear 4 opinions on how it should be handled. Which leaves you to much time to scoop up plenty of impulse items they have strategically placed at the register.

The Spa

Has anyone ever been to a spa? I went to one the other day. They show you to some upscale changing room and give you a robe and slippers. Then they move you to the relaxation room to decompress. A room filled with crunchy snacks where everyone is chewing like its popcorn at a movie. When I left I gave them a minor suggestion…in the relaxation room…try gummy bears or baby food something quiet…I’M RELAXING!!

Caller Id

I never want to get caller ID because once you get caller ID you turn into one of those people. You know what I mean. Those people who are obsessed with their missed calls. The strangers who have to call every number back and when they don’t recognize it they say did you just call me. Who is this? Do I know you? I just dialed the wrong freaking number give me a break. And then the people who know who saw you called and call you back. Did you just call me? Yes didn’t you get my message? No, I didn’t listen to it.Oh I know you didn’t because I said don’t call me back…

Games People Play

The other day I saw a woman with a dress that looked like a Twister mat. It was covered with all different colored polka dots. I kept walking around her in circles looking for a spinner.

Public Transport

Have you ever been kidnapped by the MTA? No ransom note, no call to my parents I’m sitting their yes I usually am lucky enough to get a seat, which in NYC is like winning the lottery. All of a sudden I hear an announcement. Less like a voice of a person and more like Charlie Browns teacher. I can’t really understand what their saying but I see the train has taken a different route. So I am at the MTA’s mercy. And they make that brilliant announcement. Attention passengers due to switching problems this train is being rerouted over another route, thank you for you cooperation. Do I have a choice? I’m locked in a metal tube speeding through a rat-infested tunnel…. can I really get off even if I wanted to? Usually it’s on one of those lines where the doors are locked…for your safety. For my safety or to prevent a mutiny???

Tonight on the bus ride hope I was wishing the woman complaining at the top of her lungs about how tired she was would just fall asleep already.