Caveat Emptor!

Last night the grocery store had oranges and pineapples for $1.00 each. Of course I thought that was pretty expensive for and orange and pretty cheap for a pineapple. So as an experiment I bought them.  Well, for one buck I was expecting an awesome orange and I was terribly disappointed. However, the $1 pineapple was a pleasant surprise! Live and learn!

Does this scale make me look fat?

Last week I started a diet. Yeah who in their right mind starts a diet in the middle of the holidays. Read my blog, clearly I'm not in my right mind. Day 2 - down four pounds or so I thought. Day 3 - I seemed to be back up. How is that possible when I make frequent visits to the gym and have barely eaten?? Oh its not me it's the scale! Apparently, I weigh various amounts when the scale is placed in various positions on the floor. Awesome! So now I can lose weigh with out even trying! I just need to find that perfectly unbalanced place in the floor where the scale reflects a number less than I really weigh! Think I'll re-start the diet come the new year!

No, there are stupid questions!

People say there is no such thing as a stupid question. Well, spend a day with me at work and you will see. Today someone called with one of my all time favorites. Listening to my voice mail the message said Hi! It's Joe! Call me back I have a question for you about my personal income taxes. I wrote down the name and number and then quickly ran outside to check the sign in the lobby and see if I had been transported to my local IRS office or maybe one of the large accounting firms. NOPE! I still worked in the same office, one that doesn't do any work with your personal income taxes. I braced myself and dialed the number. The receptionist had a million questions for me and I just politely asked to be connected with "Joe No Last Name". Quickly I told Joe I was not a tax professional but Joe informed me it was probably a really stupid question. Fire away I said. "Well, how do the taxes on my property get paid?" And then I dropped the bombshell. Joe you have to pay the taxes on your own property. Unfortunately, the tax fairy has gone to the big IRS office in the sky. "Oh I thought that was how it worked" Joe replied. And pretty much our conversation ended there. I would hate to see the bill because this is NYC and Joe has lived there for over 2 years!

Some people need to be told everything...

The botanical gardens had what I thought was the most ridiculous sign posted. But maybe I'm incorrect. Honestly, there was no one else near these cacti when I saw them so I can't state factually that people touch them. However, there were many other items that had signs not to touch and people couldn't take their hands off them.

Hey kid, I guess you were never a boy scout!

Yesterday, I went out in the car to do some errands. It was raining, had been for hours and the forecast indicated it would continue. On a major throughfare I encounterd a motorcyclist who apparently has not checked the weather. He is wearing jeans, t-shirt and a short helmet. We stop at a light and he reaches into his back pack and I think "oh he's getting out his rain gear". No, he pulls out a pair of sunglasses and places them on his face. Now it's pouring and he has to be soaked. I'm thinking this guy was never a boy scout because he's totally unfamiliar with the motto "Be prepared".

Smart TV

What's up with these cable television companies? The rates are astronomical, the service is bad and today I wanted to throw the DVR out the window. For the amount of money I pay for basic television service and the DVR, someone should come here and change the channel for me. So aside from shoddy service on days there is bad weather, or even outages due to it sometimes I feel like I'm watching a foreign movie with a bad dub job. I hear words and then I see lips moving or vice a versa. Honestly, those mild issues I can ignore. My deal breaker for cable is how the DVR works. For some reason, most days it records the show just before it ends. Of course it's always a cliff hanger too!. The good guy is hanging off the roof by his finger nails while the bad guy proceeds to tap dance on his hands and then the next second I see - Save - Delete - Restart. Awesome! I find it just as irritating when I tape one show then go to watch it and it's a totally different show. It says the correct title but the taped show isn't even close to what I wanted. I should blame the actual television station for changing the programming. But honestly isn't that little box under the TV smart enough to figure out what I want to see? No? I mean for $82 a month and you get aggravation with it? I better buy stock in antacids or cut cable out of my life!

How to drive your co-workers crazy....

Ah Monday! The least favored day of the work week! This past week though my office was truly up in arms with you, Monday. We came in to a huge sign on the coffee machine stating "Out of Service"! Oh the grimaces and groans were endless. Sure you can run down stairs to one of the big coffee shops but not when your motto is "If it's for free, it's for me"! It's amazing how many free beverages are consumed here daily. So while everyone stood around the office willing the coffee machine to produce at least one more fresh pot, I laid in wait for the room to empty and then attacked. In my desk I have a jar of instant coffee as an emergency backup. I put the coffee in, added hot water and fanned the top of my cup allowing the fragrance to waft through the office. A mad panic preceded! People kept coming into the break room checking to see if the machine was now functioning. One by one checking. I heard them asking each other...Was that coffee I just got a whiff of? Do you think they fixed the machine?
Oh I didn't just torture them all morning, I did the same routine in the afternoon!

Are the authorities familiar with your menu?

Honestly, I'm not the most adventurous diner. When someone suggested I try oxtail I thought that was exotic. I mean I eat beef, it's really the same thing. So maybe it's my lack of gourmet experience that makes me question the chalk board at a neighborhood restaurant. I have to be honest, it's been there for months. At first I viewed it as a mistake but now maybe it my naivety I need to question. There are a host of names for sandwiches including subs grinder, hoagie, and the po' boy to name a few. But what are "handwiches" and does the police station a few doors down know you are selling them? I'll continue to pass on this dining adventure for now....

Et tu Mercury?

Apparently, Brute is not the only back stabber. Mercury is also up to no good! Many people don't believe in astrology but after this week, I'm a convert. Once Mercury heads into retrograde trouble begins! First, my cell phone got it on the double Ides! I dont know what happened, it just decided it had enough and stopped functioning. Well, the whole phone ceased to exist as I knew it except for the alarm which continued to ring. Next I decided to head out on a road trip but the minute I left the city limits my GPS performed an audition for the Twilight Zone. Even though I continued driving my GPS claimed I was at my former location.   Afer several attempts to repower with no luck I tossed it aside. Eventually, I gave it another try and it went back on which would have been awesome but that bad boy Mercury reared his ugly head and wiped out all my contacts! Unlike Ceasar I refuse to fall!

The Lazy Gourmet

When I was a kid The Galloping Gourmet was on TV. Graham Kerr spent his childhood surround by top European chefs. As an adult he would whip up these great recipes from scratch loaded with butter, cream and fat. Flash forward to 2012 where everyone is looking for the quickest way possible to get dinner on the table. Practically, every food item now comes prepackaged. Even the old standard peanut butter and jelly is to time consuming...Now available in your grocery's freezer...minus the crust. And the celebrity chef's today are horrid. One of them loves to use Ritz crackers in her recipes and another makes lasagna with cottage cheese. My Italian Grandmother is probably haunting them right now!

At the movies

After finding the perfect seat in the theater, a group of party crashers sat behind me. They were talking away and someone screamed at them to be quiet. Then right in the middle of the movie one of them turns to her friends and asks where is the music coming from. It really took every once of restraint for me not to turn around and scream its Nine - A Musical! Must be the theater next to us!

Buy A Ticket Or LEAVE!

I see a lot of different shows. The worse part is purchasing a ticket. How do people think of all the insane questions to ask the poor ticket agent? I just say 2 tickets for what ever date and the best available seats. So far those words have proven magical! But they are up there questioning the seller for what seems like an eternity with such non-sense like "Are the seat cushions soft?" I hope the ticket seller responded by saying "I don't know it depsends on if you have a boney butt!"

It's Called "GOOGLE" Use It!

Everyone is so plugged into technology and yet every day I'm befuddled by the stupidity of some. Seriously, is there a soul alive with out a PDA? If there is I want to meet them. I get asked the most ridiculous questions ever imagined. Today I told someone to order supplies from a big box stationary store and they wrote back an email of several lines asking me if that company had an Internet presence. Should I even answer that? And how can I? When the zombie apocalypse comes I know who's going first! PS I'm embarrased for you!

Reading between the lines...

Does anyone read their emails any more? Today I sent an email at work, it was literally two sentences. Pay close attention because this gets complicated. Sentence One: Attached please find copy of the application. Here's where I do a slight of hand. Sentence Two: Please complete and return with all necessary documentation to my attention. Of course this elicited a response also two sentences. The first: Thank you for your response. And the second: Should I return the application to you? Honestly, should I reply?

Maybe that was a "SIGN"!

Parking in NYC is a part-time job. Since I pretty much already have a job and a half I park my car in a garage so I can avoid driving around in circles for days and nights at a time. The garage is a good 10 minute walk, because frankly I'm cheap and its inexpensive, I call on my walk over so the car will be waiting for me. It's a small garage with a clearly marked "Enter" and "Exit" lane. When I arrived, there was an orange traffic cone blocking the "Enter" lane and a rocket scientist had driven into the "Exit" lane, my car was still up in the garage.  In order to avoid damage to my vehicle, I advised the scientist he might want to move so we could avoid a head on collision in the garage. After much jockeying he finally managed to get his SUV into the space directly in front of the cone blocking the entrance. Then, my car arrived and the attendant informed the scientist that the garage was full. Well, that sent the scientist into a melt down and he proceeded to yell and scream at the attendant that a sign saying "Parking Lot Full" should have been placed in front of the entrance. I got in my car and drove off, oh yeah and sent a parting message to the scientist "Hey Genius! Maybe that orange cone blocking the entrance was a "sign" or do you want Mel Gibson and a crop circle too?"