Parental Advice As Heard On The Radio

Recently, on some long drive I was listening to a local all news station when they offered a solution to parents on setting boundaries. Since we're all friends here I'll pass on the nugget of wisdom. At dinner decide how many chapters of a story you will read at bedtime and when bedtime comes stick to that limit. Advise the child that you had both made the decision at dinner if they ask you to read an additional chapter. Do parents even read their children bedtime stories anymore? Every kid I know has their own multi-media center inside their bedroom, I'm not sure asking for an extra chapter of a story is a parents biggest problem in 2010. It might actually be figuring out what camping gear they should take to the Apple store or Best Buy so they can await the arrival of the latest gadget for their child.

You start to live when you learn to drive!

Maybe some of you remember the commercial where this little song was sung about how your life became more exciting when you learned to drive. Well, since you've learned to drive mine has also but not in a good way. I have been driving for awhile and I can honestly say I'm pretty good at it. Frankly, it may be my greatest asset. If there was an award for parallel parking I have no doubt my trophy case would be overflowing with the yearly prize. Which is not my opinion. Case in point I once went to a friend's in Brooklyn and when I left my friend commented on the 2 jerks who "boxed" me in. They didn't box me in I replied, I parked there! Based on that and the fact that I took driver's ed in Manhattan I'm a self-qualified expert on others skills. The easiest way to solve the issue of bad drivers is to sell cars based on road test scores. You got a 65 welcome to world of sub-compact cars, at 75 you can upgrade to a compact and so on. This would increase our fuel efficiency, cause minimal accident damage and decrease my blood pressure. Think about it, it might work!

You Must Be This Wide To Ride

As a small child in an amusement park, you match your height against that of the sign next to a ride to see if you qualify. As an adult we also come up against the size barrier. When we were children we fooled ourselves to think we could qualify by standing up straight or on our tippy toes and hope the teen operating the ride overlooked this slight exaggeration. Pushing the envelope as an adult is a bit more difficult. We fool ourselves into thinking that we can squeeze our morbidly obese figure into subway seats designed for people half our size, hoping the person next to us doesn't realize.

Impulse Conversing

Sure I'm wise to the tricks of stores where they place items near the check out so while you are waiting on line all of a sudden you need a bunch of candy bars and a gossip magazine. What I have yet to figure out is why when I'm waiting on line strangers strike up a conversation, one you usually want no part of.  Today I ordered cannolis at the bakery. This immediately set off a red flag to the woman on line ahead of me. Cannolis? They sell cannolis here? Well, I'm Italian and I wouldn't buy cannolis here, if I want cannolis I go to Brooklyn. Wait I'm trying to remember if I asked her ethnic origin. Did I ask where she buys cannolis? No frankly I wasn't even thinking "I wonder if the lady in front of me is Italian and where does she buy cannolis"? Honestly, I was thinking I wish the counter help would hurry up and get my cannolis so I could be on my way. So nosy lady I hope you are reading my blog because I bought the cannolis and they were delicious!!!!!! Oh and by the way I'm Italian!

Searching For My Sole Mate

Tonight I was pondering one of humanities biggest mysteries. No not who built the pyramids, how did the Universe begin, what causes the Bermuda Triangle or where is Atlantis. What I'm speaking of began in the 8th Century BC and is still as enigma in 2010. The ultimate question with out answer is "Where has my other sock gone?" Apparently, I'm not the only one pondering this issue with such resolve. The army started a Bureau of Missing Socks in 1861 and 149 years later they are still in existence. Sure I can figure out whodunit long before the show ends but could an amateur like myself solve a mystery that has perplexed the greatest military strategist for so long? What could I do buy my own blood hound? Place a tracking device in each sock? Pray to Saint Anthony? Have my own show...The Laundry's Most Wanted? Of course the most efficient way not to lose a sock is probably not to wear them in the first place.

Borders on Insanity

Well, the secret is out! Today I realized why book stores are losing money and on-line sales are booming. Sure I wanted to purchase some books but the insanity that was around me was overwhelming and it was fight or flight, so I left.  One aisle had three teenagers lying in it, sure I wanted to look at the books there but who wants to tell three surly teens to vacate. When I went to go see another section I ran into some kids playing hide and seek, which was only compounded by a new game which I named "Scream As Loud As You Can".  I didn't see the rule book but I think the point of "SALAYC" was to try and hit a note that would break aglass.  And let me tell you these kids were darn good at it, I'm thinking they might have been first round draft choices. Of course the funniest moment came when I walked down one row of books and saw these two teens expressing their feelings for each other. They both had a look of shock on their faces like I walked into their living room. As I headed towards the door, I saw an employee breaking up a group of teens choreographing a scene from Glee. I remarked to him that the store was bedlam, he agreed and told me it stops a lot of people from purchasing. I agreed and left empty handed.

Wash With Like Colors

Most of the time I make rational decisions. Except for some reason when I was in a rush for a table cloth I picked up something that I totally regretted after I used it. Sure it looked nice and summery but after use it required laundering and I was in trouble. Yes, I did actually read the directions which stated "wash with like colors". Now that seems to be a problem. Where can I get colors that are "like" that? At first I was perplexed but then I thought about it and came up with several solutions! Wait until the circus came to town and offer to wash the clown costumes - see if the Houston Astro's want to reactivate their uniforms from 1974, you remember them sort of looked like a solar flare landed on the player's chests - see if there is a Jackson Pollack protege who needs free laundry services. Of course my most feasible option is spend $1.75 and wash it alone.

Resumes

We all know that people sometimes enhance the truth. I just read some figures stating up to 50% of people lie on their resumes. These include overstating skills, extending length of employment, falsifying degrees, exaggerating achievement's, increasing former salaries, inflating titles, enhancing foreign language skills, fake addresses, amplifying GPA and more.
Probably if you are applying for a paper pusher it is not a big deal. I'm not advocating lying, just stating more or less no one will be harmed.
Not so much if you are one of the 200 Chinese pilots who faked their flying experience. It's one thing saying you are an expert when you are only a novice on say computer software, it's another to add flying time that does not "accord with reality". That's just plain scary. Seems like they resolved the issue by sending them back up for more flying time. Sure they just announced this discovery but it happened in 2008 so more then likely, I guess we are safe.

The Letters

Tonight I came home to an envelope from Consolidated Edison (NYC's electricity supplier). Finally, I thought...here is the rebate check I have been waiting for since July, September is nearly over. Excitedly, I open the envelope to find a letter. Oh great what did I forget to enclose in their million requirements for my lousy $60.00 rebate. Did I miss the deadline? No it was even more simple. The letter stated that I would receive my rebate in 6 to 8 weeks. Um yeah that's what it said on the rebate form. So they sent me a letter to tell me that the check would be in the mail. AWESOME! Next time just stick that check in the darn envelope and save yourself some postage.
Even better was the second letter I received from my car manufacturer. It came in one of those white envelopes with the big red letters stamped across it "IMPORTANT SAFETY RECALL".  Not that alarming just a recall on the possibility of your steering failing. Like Con Ed, Mazda was a bit short on helping me out. Yes there is an issue with your steering, yes Mazda will replace it at no cost to you, oops did we mention we do not have the parts to fix it - when we get them we will let you know.
Thank you Con Ed and Mazda you make my blogging so easy!

Things Parents Say

Some of the things I've heard parents tell children shock me. Today I was leaving my building when I opened the door and found a small family entering the building. As I held the door the child toddled in with the mother pushing the stroller behind her. The mother turned to the child and said "look honey a magic door that opened automatically". Apparently, I'm a 180 pound door stopper. I'm totally confused when  I hear a parent tell their misbehaving child to stop because the sales clerk or police officer will yell at them. Isn't it the parents job to correct a child's inappropriate behavior? Although we have outsourced so many jobs maybe I missed the memo that listed parenting also. Didn't we use to tell children if they are lost to go to a sales clerk or police officer? Another perplexing saying is "don't give that to Junior he doesn't eat blah blah blah". It's not like I'm trying to feed the kid foie gras, heck Junior I'm with you on that one all the way. It's been things like chicken or most recently steak. Luckily, for some reason Junior always takes the bait from me and do you know what happens he always loves it! Maybe you don't like a grass fed rib eye I spent the whole day marinating but Junior, he has good taste!

Make Yourself Comfortable

After much thought, I may have been born after my time. For many years I have claimed to be my grandparents child but maybe I'm more their sibling. Sorry folks but all that familiarity is it's not for me. Sure it's great that you compensate for lost free time by using your morning commute to give yourself a pedicure but seriously, save clipping your toe nails and creaming your tootsies for home. Clipping your fingernails in public is repulsive enough, clipping your toe nails crosses a whole new line! Another familiarity pet peeve I suffer from is adults wearing pajamas in public. When did this become acceptable and were was I? I have seen adults dressed in their bedroom garb every where from high school games to Sunday morning shopping. Aren't teenagers already embarrassed enough by the fact that they have parents and then you show up at their game cheering for junior in your Dr. Dentons?

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...I DO

I love Cole Porter but maybe he had it all wrong. Mr. Porter penned Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, except his response was I Don't. Then again, he never met Cynthia Kelley aka Juror Number Five. Actually, it didn't ring any bells in my head either until I read further. She is engaged to marry Rodney King and the juror who pushed for him to be awarded $3.8 million in his civil case against the city of Los Angeles. The day after the trial the couple had their first date. Sure there was a minor hitch, they were both married to other people. Apparently, they have both relieved themselves of their previous obligations and are now engaged to be married. He states she is a godsend, another word that starts with g comes to my mind. I would just be leery if the person who helped me win a few million decided they wanted to date me the day after I received the money but maybe it's true love, who am I to judge.

Poor baby...

Wow I just read a tragic story about a little girl who always wanted to become a ballerina, her mother left her with a nanny while she lived the dream the girl envisioned in her own future.  Unfortunately, this poor child grew up into a statuesque woman which ruined her dream to be a prima ballerina. She suffered through a life of rage which she attributed to her failed dream. Poor Naomi Campbell it must be so hard to have all your hopes and dreams crushed and just have to live your life as a top fashion model.  All I have to say is THANK GOD FOR OPRAH! She actually made Naomi ballerina for the day with the Bolshoi ballet! Now maybe all the little people will be spared her wrath or maybe it will fuel her rage and more domestic staff will be scared with Swarovski crystal cell phones.

Hug-A-Gram

Today I went to a fair at the park. They were selling all sorts of things from the totally practical, Tupperware, to the totally bizarre,  Hug-A-Gram. Yes, for the mere price of twenty dollars you could purchase a pair of severed arms to wrap around yourself when you are feeling down. But what really made them alluring is the hands were identical to Mickey Mouse's and who do you know that didn't feel better after a day at Disney? Yes, no one that's probably the point! Next year I'm getting a stand at the fair and offering real hugs, I'll undercut them maybe only charge $5.00. It just seems sort of creepy to wrap a pair of dismembered Mickey Mouse arms around yourself.

Celebrity Excuses

Poor Paris Hilton, pulled over by police because they smelled marijuana smoke "wafting" from her car. Once stopped,  they also found cocaine in her handbag, first off she said she thought it was chewing gum and then confessed that the hand bag wasn't hers because well in her words "it's to cheap".  In the interest of assisting Ms. Hilton's defense team, I did some research myself on the probability of confusing the two. As a crack investigator I plugged into Google "Does chewing gum come in powder form?" Well, lo and behold the second hit was cocaine from Wikipedia! Apparently, the indigenous people of South America have been chewing the leaves of the coca plant for over a thousand years so to me it's crystal clear how she could be confused. Next I'm working to help strengthen Linsday Lohan's case when she stated the pants she was wearing weren't hers or probably my toughest case Tom Sizemore who claimed the Calvin undies he had on weren't his because he's a Hilfiger man. I have to admit more then once I've accidentally worn my clothes inside out or even backwards, but luckily I've never had the misfortune of running around town in some one else's undergarments.

You Look HOT!

Seriously, all you fashionista's out there this Summer look HOT. And by HOT I mean you may want to duck into the nearest H & M or Hollister ASAP, and catch some of that free AC they have been pumping into the street illegally. I'm sitting here just wondering when boots became so fashionable to wear in Summer. OK even if they are extremely fashionable to wear all year round one might think they are also extremely hot. Those ankle boots are one thing but Uggs and Doc Martens, just the thought of wearing them even in winter makes me sweat. And to the person who posted on the message board...Would it look dumb wearing boots in Summer? Let me sum the answer up for you...YES!

Section 24-221(a)

Although it's far from top secret or classified, I'm sure most people are unaware of a law in NYC that carries a $350.00 fine and bans horn honking except in cases of "imminent danger", which is defined as "an immediate threat of harm". With that we can probably rule that if a car is headed towards you on a one way street it may be an appropriate time to make use of your claxon. However, in a situation where the traffic had ground to a screeching halt because its rush hour and your type A personality is on the verge of a heart attack, well that does not constitute an emergency except in your own mind.

neither by snow nor rain nor heat....

This morning I needed to mail something so I decided to take a walk to the post office. Sure there is a mail box on every corner as well as in my lobby but it's a movie from Net Flix and I want to get my monies worth. Along the way I meet my neighbor and it became a journey, with a coffee break on the way. We stood outside the post office talking, when suddenly we heard the most alarmingly repetitive, slamming noise. An elderly man had double parked, to place a letter in the mail box, securing its journey by vigorously opening and closing the door. My neighbor thought I was a little overzealous about walking to the post office but we looked at each other and both declared his intensity for safe passage of his letter bordered on madness.

Wet Cement

Living in NYC there are plenty of times I encounter freshly poured cement. It's always roped off, or even guarded to avoid anyone making it less then pristine. Sure it's tempting to maybe place yourself in perpetuity. Honestly, I have never done it myself but often the craving has arisen. So the other day when I saw a man place his boots in a fresh patch, I understood why. Upon closer examination of these "boot prints" I became alarmed. They weren't foot prints in a Grauman's Chinese Theater version,  well they really weren't foot prints at all. They were just two huge smudge prints, which would have given you the same result had you dragged a dirty eraser across a chalk board. Now I was sort of annoyed at him because I understood wanting to get your 15 minutes of fame, but that was more like 15 minutes of blame.

Super Hero Mode

Apparently, I have a skill that only Wonder Woman's plane and Burt Campbell from Soap seem to possess. Yes, I too can become invisible. However, I'm not really sure the plane and Burt really were invisible where I can prove time and time again that I on the other hand am often unseen.
Just this morning I brought my car in for service and was standing there waiting when some one came over and handed the customer behind me a number and me the number after him. Mr. Clean's bigger, buffer brother was in the process of jockeying cars around when he some how saw this (maybe he was in super hero mode), and came over to re-numerate the line. He asked the ticket dispenser why he skipped me. Now the manager came out and became involved and this became so absurd as they were sorting out who was next, I stood on the side and watched.  Mr. Clean seemed to have the answer, he removed the lower number ticket from the other employee's hand and put it on my car. Problem solved. Thanks Mr. Clean you are my HERO!!!

St. Joseph's Day

Today is my favorite holiday of all! Sure some people like Christmas because Santa comes and gives you lots of presents. Then there are birthday's where you are the center of attention. Easter with a countless amount of candy from the Bunny and Thanksgiving where you eat until you feel like exploding. But my favorite is St Joseph's Day because it's the only time you can get pastries that look like giant donuts stuffed with custard or cannoli cream.

Boxing Match

Most will find this shocking but apparently Naomi Campbell assaulted her chauffer today and the NYPD is looking for her. They ran down the list of people she has previously assaulted and she has been in more matches then Mike Tyson, as well as treated for anger management. Naomi, you missed your calling. Sure it probably wasn't a feasible career when you started out, so you took to modeling. But seriously boxing could be your second career. Or even better,  celebrity ultimate fighting. I smell a reality show in this for you Naomi.

We never suspected...

Seriously, I am so sick and tired of some major catastrophe happening, then hearing the people surrounding it responding like blinded horses who "Never knew this could happen". The latest drama driving me insane is the one regarding Amy Bishop. You're familiar with her story, they would not give her tenure so went to school with a gun and killed three colleagues. Her family said they were shocked by this act. OK - listen up people here was your first clue. She killed her brother when a shotgun "accidentally" went off. Read up about shotguns, they can not "accidentally" go off.  After just watching the news they cited numerous incidents involving responses to her house, as well as an incident in IHOP where she assaulted a woman. Sure we all like perfect pancakes and I get pretty grumpy myself when I am hungry although I find physical violence a bit over board. But this was actually over a woman taking the last booster seat. Annoying yes, but punishable by assault, I think not. So please people if you know someone like this here is a hint, they are a ticking time bomb and need help. And if you don't help them, please don't stand around after the fact saying "I didn't know" because you did.

Religious Messages

Lately, I've been inundated by religious messages. First, was "Obey God" which was meet shortly thereafter by "GDISKIND". Then  "John 3 3" which I googled and found out says "In reply Jesus declared, 'I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again'". Where are all these messages coming from? Some great religious sage? An ancient book of wisdom? No, actually they are sent to me by the DMV. They were all on license plates which I found totally bizarre. Didn't we separate church and state ages ago? Poor God, limited to 8 characters or less which probably means we will not be seeing any quotes from Deuteronomy.

Record Deal

Tonight on the train ride home I thought I was going to be treated to another pan handler vocalist. However, he finished and walked the car to tell his story, he was an aspiring singer looking for a record deal. Usually, he didn't perform on the E train - he's more of an R train man. Is that sort of like when Bruce Springsteen goes back to play The Stone Pony instead of Madison Square Garden? He said you never know who you are going to meet. Which made me think, I've seen a music mogul on the 1 and 2 train.Last month it was the V train on which I spotted the mogul. But so far, never on the E.

Fruit Scented Bubbles

OK - Please tell me why you would combine the scent of fruit with soap? As far as I know, the majority of bubble users are small children who like to put things in their mouths. Now I do not have any degrees in childrearing but to me this sounds like a particularly dumb idea. But then again, I did find them in the dollar store so maybe there were not a top seller.

Target

Target opens at 8 am which is awesome. But today I decided to be fashionably late, arriving at 9 am. Seriously, who would have thought there would be around 50 cars in the lot. Then it dawned on me, they were all probably driving to Target while I was chatting on Facebook. Once I got into the store I realized the bigger difference between me and many of the pseudo-early risers. The problem - I'm seriously old fashion because I get up, take a shower and put on clothes - these people were still wearing their pajamas. Is there a petition circulating to ban adults from wearing PJ's in public because I want to sign it.

Baby Bird

Tonight while dining out I experienced something usually only seen on National Geographic. A mother bird feeding her baby. Not the feathered kind but a human one. The mother was feeding her child with a straw, not in the normal sense but in the eye dropper to a kitten method. She kept dipping the straw into the unknown beverage and then dropping it into the baby's open mouth. The most amazing part of the whole process was the baby was drinking out of a cup, which really made me wonder why mother bird was nourishing the child in this method.

Shoe Shine

Since times are tough, I decided to start shining my own shoes again.  I sat down at the computer to look for directions. Sure I found the standard shine procedure - remove dirt, apply polish, brush, shine. But how boring is that. Luckily I found a more interesting, economical and greener way. Which involves a banana peel.
1. Peel and eat the banana.
2. Rub the inside of the banana peel all over your shoes.
3. Buff with a cloth to remove stray banana pieces.
I love the earth, but this I'm going to have to pass on.

Saint in A Can

Apparently, you can purchase St. Michael and Our Lady of Guadalupe in a spray can. I'm not entirely sure how they got there in the first place, but the can states it's "100% Genuine". Another fact I'm still pondering is what you are actually supposed to use the spray for. Michael is pictured with Satan who is cowering. Being curious, I opened the top and it smelled pretty bad, which made me rule out that it was air freshener. Maybe Satan is offended by bad odors...who could blame him?

One Kindergarten Special Please!

Right now I'm cringing because looking on-line at the menu of the restaurant I'm having dinner at is scaring me. I'm not daring at all. Bungee jumping, roller coasters, mountain climbing or events of that nature do not appeal to me. My dining requirements are simple if a kindergarten child would not eat it, it's probably not for me. Actually, I sort of haven't read past the halibut cheeks on the appetizer menu because I'm busy googling "halibut cheeks". I didn't even know fish have cheeks. And if they do, how big could they be? Apparently, extremely small because they are expensive. Better load up on peanut butter and jelly before I leave the house.

Best Why?

Finally the TV I purchased was in stock and I went to pick it up. After speaking to the sales associate in the home theater section, he directed me to customer service. I handed the customer service representative my receipt and a wall mount I wanted to purchase. I told her I'm here to pick up the TV and I want to purchase this item. She said why do you want to return it. So figuring she always hears about returns and was in that mode I politely repeated myself. She said ok and I figured we were getting some place. Then she went to the cash register 2 feet away looked at the receipt again and said what are you picking up? I said the television. Sure receipts these days are more confusing then ever, but there was only one item listed! What else could I possibly be picking up! Then she comes back, looks at the TV mount and asks why are you returning this?

Flyer Man

Usually, I feel bad for those people stuck on a street corner handing out flyers. Most times I take pity and accept the the piece of paper which shortly after wards becomes trash. But seriously tonight I had on my best don't come near me face and it totally did not work. Not only did I have my ipod plugged in but I was deeply involved in pseudo texting, which I thought was a good indication I was not interested in an interruption. But "Super Flyerman" was unstoppable. He walked right up to me, shoved the flyer in front of me and preceded to give me the spiel. Luckily, I'm a native NYer and didn't flinch when he invaded my personal space. At the end of his monologue he finally said "I guess you aren't interested" and walked away. Really? What was his first clue?

Made In America

Seriously, I consider myself an intelligent individual and I am well aware that the manufacturing industry in America is on life support. But today the plug was pulled. There was an item in the store by the brand name "American Mills" however, when you read the fine print it said "Made In China". Things like that should be illegal. That's like eating at a place called Tony's Italian Pizza that doesn't employ one Italian.  I mean at the very least, that must be false advertising.

Area Code

Some days calling customer service is infuriating. Today after being on hold for what seemed like forever, I was finally told all the sales people I needed to speak to were on the phone with "other customers". It's days like that when I'm so jealous of "the other customer". So she offered to take my number and have one call me back when they were available. OK - I reluctantly agree and then give her my number 718-555-1234. At which point she says 718 that sounds familiar did you call before? Yeah it's called an area code and there are only 7,999,999 more people with a "similar" number.
 

Step Away From The Cell Phone

Why is everyone so attached to their cell phone? They are the security blankets of the 21st Century. Do we really need a law against texting while driving? How about plain old common sense instead? As long as we are passing these laws I'm advocating for  "No hand held devices while assisting the elderly".  Some poor old man with a walker was beating a path through NYC tourist traffic while his home health aid nonchalantly held on to his belt loop as she chatted away. At least Linus would have used his security blanket to beat a path through those tourists!

Traffic Circle

After being trapped in a traffic circle with a clueless mini van driver, I have come to the conclusion we need to re-evaluate the licensing process. Only people who receive an "A" on the driver's exam would be allowed to drive a large vehicle, "B" would relegate you to a mid size car, "C" would place you in the compact category, "D" downgrades you to a bicycle and "F" well as they say "Feet Don't Fail Me Now".

When I Grow Up I Want To Be...

When kids are little they dream of growing up to become athletes, medical professionals, attorneys, astronauts and more. Unfortunately, one woman in England grew up and wants to become Jessica Rabbit. No really I'm not even kidding, she carries a rabbit with her every where she goes, is on a special "rabbit" diet of salads and grains, and just to make the story more interesting she had $16,000.00 worth of cosmetic surgery to enhance her looks. Her family thinks" she's a little crazy" but she claims to be a "normal person." Please doctors lets draw the line on performing cosmetic surgery on people who want to look like Babar or Bullwinkle.

Bed Bath and Way Beyond

Never get in line behind a parent and their three adult children. I made that mistake recently. Once there is an error at the register you now have to wait for the cashier to hear 4 opinions on how it should be handled. Which leaves you to much time to scoop up plenty of impulse items they have strategically placed at the register.

The Spa

Has anyone ever been to a spa? I went to one the other day. They show you to some upscale changing room and give you a robe and slippers. Then they move you to the relaxation room to decompress. A room filled with crunchy snacks where everyone is chewing like its popcorn at a movie. When I left I gave them a minor suggestion…in the relaxation room…try gummy bears or baby food something quiet…I’M RELAXING!!

Caller Id

I never want to get caller ID because once you get caller ID you turn into one of those people. You know what I mean. Those people who are obsessed with their missed calls. The strangers who have to call every number back and when they don’t recognize it they say did you just call me. Who is this? Do I know you? I just dialed the wrong freaking number give me a break. And then the people who know who saw you called and call you back. Did you just call me? Yes didn’t you get my message? No, I didn’t listen to it.Oh I know you didn’t because I said don’t call me back…

Games People Play

The other day I saw a woman with a dress that looked like a Twister mat. It was covered with all different colored polka dots. I kept walking around her in circles looking for a spinner.

Public Transport

Have you ever been kidnapped by the MTA? No ransom note, no call to my parents I’m sitting their yes I usually am lucky enough to get a seat, which in NYC is like winning the lottery. All of a sudden I hear an announcement. Less like a voice of a person and more like Charlie Browns teacher. I can’t really understand what their saying but I see the train has taken a different route. So I am at the MTA’s mercy. And they make that brilliant announcement. Attention passengers due to switching problems this train is being rerouted over another route, thank you for you cooperation. Do I have a choice? I’m locked in a metal tube speeding through a rat-infested tunnel…. can I really get off even if I wanted to? Usually it’s on one of those lines where the doors are locked…for your safety. For my safety or to prevent a mutiny???

Tonight on the bus ride hope I was wishing the woman complaining at the top of her lungs about how tired she was would just fall asleep already.