Just add salesman...

I really do not look have to look far to find some interesting material for my blog. Even a trip to the local drug store can result in some extremely humorous posts!Until I saw this little bottle I thought it was a cliche but here in the aisles of my local pharmacy I found it!

Labels...

Seriously, I would like to speak to the people who write the verbiage for food to inform them they need a new line of work. Hopefully, they don't work long and hard to come up with the ridiculous wording. Take for example this package of cheese:

"Fresh Cheese" How awesome is that? I guess it's save to assume then it is not bleu cheese because that is less then fresh. Frankly it's actually the opposite maybe you want to use the word rotting. Of course I believe the marketing people would reject it since it may lower sales!

Another brilliant package is the canned ham I found in my local pharmacy:

Any type of meat that is "premium" can be found at your local butcher, not in a can.

Steal the sign...leave the frame!

Passed by this sign and others like it several times. Love that it was chained to the post so no one could steal the frame but the actual sign....well they got that!

Do I look like I work here?

Every time I walk into a store or any other public place that provides a service I am constantly asked by another shopper or visitor where something is located or how to work something.
Just now a woman in the library asked me how to work the computer. Actually she was standing in front of a monitor listing the library's activities, so I did polite inform her I thought the computers were in the next room.
Not one visit to a store goes by with out a fellow customer asking me what aisle a product is located in. Ok maybe they are confused and I look like someone who is helpful but honestly, I'm not. My favorite is on a Sunday morning in a certain department store when they seek my assistance. I don't even own a pair of brown khakis and a red polo shirt! But then again I'm generally fully clothed while they are still in their pajamas. After all it is 8 am!

Nessie??? Is that you????

Just took this picture tonight and I feel like I know who that cloud resembles. She must be good old Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster!

Need another view?

See I told you!

"FRESH"

The word "fresh" drives me to the edge when it's followed by a word such as meat, produce or fish. What would you expect them to be? Stale? Synonyms for stale include threadbare, musty and rancid. Even if the food was outdated they clearly would not advise you of it! Rancid Ribeye - $16.99 per pound! I'm no marketing guru but surely nothing would sell with that adjective! Threadbare Tune! Musty Melons! Get them while they are beyond expired!

Wait! What just happened?

Apparently, New York State considers me a competent adult. I know this because at home I can pump my own gas at the gas station. However, in what can be as quick as a 20 minute drive across the state line to New Jersey, somehow I lose credibility and am reduced to a child. The state of New Jersey believes only professionals should distribute gasoline into your vehicle. I hate to sound obnoxious but I dread the idea of having to wait in line and have someone else complete a task I am overqualified for. The worse part is when they accidentally overfill your tank and expect you to pay for the extra. When I travel through New Jersey or Oregon, I'm always prepared with exact change. Maybe one day they will catch on to what the other 48 already know, adults are more that qualified to dispense gasoline into their own vehicle.

Bad coffee

Do people realize how much bad coffee is out there? Probably not because they cover it with sweeteners, I drink mine without any and let me say a lot of it is horrible.
I love the naysayers who tell me its because the coffee is strong and i must not like strong coffee? Thanks Einstein but i drink espresso so please do not correct Me the coffee you are drinking sucks
Apparently you have coated it with some artificial sweeter or sugar to mask the taste. Someone I work with adds 14 packets of chemical sweetener to their coffee, one day the put in 13 and said they can taste the difference. Really you actually taste coffee in that? Why not add those little packets of dangerous chemicals to a glass of water, you probably could not tell the difference.
The coffee I make at home is awesome, I even grind the beans as needed. Move over big coffee chain I have no use for you!

A message from your creditor

There is only one thing worse then opening up your snail mailbox and finding it filled with bills, and somehow my creditors have found it. I'm speaking about the awesome new way to alert you that their bill is on it's way to one of their favorite debtors. Now I receive an email to advise me that a snail mail statement is on it's way to me. OH JOY! So not only do I open my mailbox in front of my home and grimace, I also enjoy that pleasure several days earlier when I receive my electronic message that the best is yet to come. Who thought of that annoying genius move?

Never underestimate....

Luckily for me, my subway stop to work is the second one from the beginning of the line. This constantly affords me the luxury of obtaining a seat at an extremely low level of stress. Today I witnessed a woman in high heels speeding to a newly vacant seat. She was wearing what looked like the highest, most uncomfortable shoes and yet she glided almost effortlessly to reach her goal. Good for her I thought, after all I find running in flip flops especially difficult! Of course I'm sure she is only a sprinter and not a long distance runner. Because I think if the seat was available at the other end of the car instead of near by her journey would have been short lived.

Horizontally Please!

Dear Fellow Subway Rider,
You just plopped down next to me, brushing against me in a most inappropriate way. With you weekend bag placed vertically on your lap. I'm unsure what it could contain because it's only Tuesday. Maybe it's your emergency to go bag in case of disaster or per chance you may hope to get lucky at this evenings happy hour and not return home for a few days. What ever your goal, your bag is deeply disturbing to me because it is perched across my and digging into my arm. How easily this could be resolved if you only turned you bag horizontally on your lap inconveniencing a party of one, yourself. Perhaps you might place it on the floor where a bag that size belongs. Alas I will sit here and suffer rather then becoming the Emily Post of the MTA!
Signed,
A concerned passenger

Apparently not any more...

All around NYC there are metal signs drilled into the facade of buildings. Often, many years after the object they are soliciting has expired. I can honestly say I have never before seen a resolution to stop the unwanted phone calls as clear as this one. So simple I wonder why no one else uses this extremely clear method!

Take a cup, leave a cup...

Reminds me of the take a penny, leave a penny at convenience stores.

Although I would leave a cup rather then take one because that is just gross!

Notes Between Neighbors

Went to lunch the other day and saw two cars with the following signs posted on them:

Be nice to your neighbors because people lives here! And the reply!

Exactly My Point!

One of the most egregious subway infractions is the clipping of ones nails either fingers or toes or the clipping of another persons. This offense rifles me on two levels first, the disgusting thought of your dirty nails flying about the train. Once a woman seated next to me began this task and I politely asked her to stop. She informed me that the subway was a public place. Exactly my point! But there our theories diverged because she felt entitled to do what ever she pleased in a public venue while I felt personal hygiene should be restricted to your own bathroom or at least the privacy of your own home.
There was the day I was taking the 1 train downtown and a woman was strategically seated on the bench of the subway car clipping her toe nails. She seemed a bit disheveled and homeless so I refrained from addressing the matter.
Now I am seated on the subway and I hear that horrible noise, like nails on a chalkboard. I look around and seated at the other end of the car is a mother clipping her child's nails. Hooray

Great fence!

This fence really made me laugh.

I guess after the installation they didn't have the energy to remove the tags!

You have to love the weather people!

Seriously, whats up with this? Don't they ever get anything right?

Oh by the way it's Monday!

Apparently, I've been keeping my utensils in the wrong place!

Call me crazy but I always place my utensils in the cabinet drawer in the kitchen. How was I to know that it's not appropriate for all implements. Luckily I was enlightened on a recent trip to a bargain store.

See I'll bet you didn't know you needed a cage for chopsticks either!

Hey I think your employee went AWOL!

At first I thought some one just rested this sign down on the ground.

But days later it's still laying on the ground. Maybe they don't even know the sign holder quit. Even funnier, the sign is no where near the restaurant!

I'm So Demanding!

Apparently, it's my fault that my work computer does not work and the IT Department is bickering over it. I know it's true because they tell me every day. My computers major issue is it can not print to my printer. But to alleviate the issue I have been told to use a "work around". That's something the user has to do when the IT Department is to incompetent to resolve the issue. I never heard of it before but they are big on silly buzz words.
So every time I need to print I have to go and select my printer, otherwise it prints down the hall. Call me crazy but seriously why is so difficult to resolve? Shouldn't there be some adjustment in the printer setting? I'm just saying it sounds like a reasonable question.
Of course that is just one of the departments issues. After hiring an incompetent consultant to implement a software program, I gave them a list of outstanding issues that needed to be addressed. They came back and stated that they were "advocating" for me. Call me crazy but asking someone to do their job should be a requirement, advocating should be saved for death row inmates.
Next they insisted the project was complete and the consultant completed her job, I just needed "care and feeding". To which I responded "Am I now a polar bear at the zoo"?
If you need some extra cash just come and implement software for us, you don't need any experience just bring your best buzzwords!

Be Not Afraid

Sure I take my life in my hands everyday on the subway, but today I was particularly scared. Generally when a subway announcement is made it's in audible. Think Charlie Brown's teacher. However today the conductor announced in a strong, clear voice "Ladies and Gentlemen do not be afraid". Oh no! what could it be? A suspicious package? A fire? Quick! Quick! Locate the nearest exit. Then he says "to use all subway doors when exiting and entering the train." OMG buddy what's wrong with you, we're you absent the day they taught Announcing 101 at conductor school?

It's the Gym People!

Just got back from the gym and saw my neighbor working out in sandals. Well I wouldn't refer to it as working out because he just does a few minutes on the stairmaster and leaves. So I guess it doesn't matter how his feet are attired aside from the fact that an accident may cause significant damage to his feet and I'm sure he will be more then happy to blame it on faulty gym equipment.
My other favorite sighting at the gym is the woman who reads the NY Times on the treadmill. I would say she's pretty talented except she walks at a snails pace. My theory is she goes to the gym to escape her husband and my theory proved correct when he banged on the door the other evening and she ran to his signal. Of course Super Woman is the best example of gym insanity. She is on the treadmill, running, reading a magazine, listening to her music, while the gym music pounds in the background. I'm really curious how much reading she is actually completing.

I Have to Agree

What will they think of next? Negative light?

Richard Demonstrates How to Hold an Umbrella on a Crowded Subay

Version One

Version Two

How The MTA Fixes A Leak

Things I've Learned from the ID Channel

1. Never go to Home Depot and purchase a 55 gallon blue drum prior to committing a murder especially on a credit card. Because Home Depot has video cameras and all credit card transactions are recorded.

2. If you murder your first spouse do not murder the second one, that creates a pattern.

3. Don't take a romantic get away with your significant other to a desolate area that involves cliffs. You will be the first suspect if they "accidentally" slip and fall to their death.

4. Don't have $100,000 in debt but your honey's $1 million life insurance is paid on time every month.

5. Never say your wife left the house or you last saw her at the house, when she is gone but her pocketbook, cell phone, keys and car are still there.

6. Telling the police you and your significant other encountered an intruder, car jacker or mugger rapidly falls apart if your partner is in critical condition and you are suffer from a graze wound.

7. Do not conduct an Internet search of "How to Kill Someone Without Leaving Evidence".

8. Write a shopping list that includes: Toothpaste, Sawed off Shot Gun, Soda

9. Never notate in any calendar, the initials of the person you murdered and "Project Completed".

Baby it's cold outside!

Sure it's winter but the past few days have been brutal. In the single negative numbers. Luckily, I have my great tips from the news on how to dress appropriately. What would you think they advise? Wear a hat? Scarf? Warm coat? Mittens? Oh no they reported you should wear "dry" loose fitting clothing. OH THANK GOD! Because I had just pulled some clothes out of the washer and was attempting to exit the house into the below freezing weather. Seriously, if you head out side in this in anything but dry clothes expect to freeze in place as you exit your home!